As we’ve seen, I’m a master of disguise. I think I understood very recently that it goes far beyond hiding the fact that I’m an Aspie. It might go as far as having a very deep disconnection between the surface and what’s inside, hiding many things from people around me, whether they’re close or not, and even, and that I have to explore, from me.
I’ve seen a couple of shrinks lately. Both are actually Asperger specialized neuropsys, and one of them might even be on the spectrum himself for all I know. This is the one who directed me to, among other things, resources about depression targeted at aspies. OK, I know it’s a difficult period, but depression might be a bit strong a word. Still, I’m not one to push away the punctual help I might get in such a difficult time. I started to read about it, and there were lots of things that weren’t adding up: mainly, but for some sort of a meltdown here and there when I’m alone (and I’ve got plenty of time for that), I’m still perfectly functioning, can talk to people, I’m still doing my job perfectly, I’m still aware that I have quite a few qualities, etc. I’ve been depressed in the path and had to take sick leaves and depression medication, that’s not what’s happening now.
That book I’m reading is by Tony Attwood, someone who cannot be suspected of not knowing what he’s talking about when it’s about Asperger’s. After the introduction, the book asks the reader to go online and take an ad-hoc self-test, so I did. What got out of it was a reading of “severe” for my stress level, and “extremely severe” for depression and anxiety. Surprise! Maybe too big a surprise actually, it didn’t sit well with how I was doing.
I talked about it to the other psy, who’s my current therapist. Mainly, she thought just like me that something was amiss, and said “Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. I’m a professional therapist specialized in those things, I’m going to make a professional assessment.” She did, looked at me, and confirmed the self-test’s results.
I appear to have hidden severe depression both from people around me, from my therapist, and from myself.
Knowing it, it makes sense. I mean: I observe myself now and I have to admit that being functional is currently a full time job. It being a social persona, it’s not exactly surprising either that I have behind me a string of meltdowns during my long evenings alone, that’s when I can let off the pressure a bit.
I’m now trying to track down the readings and hints, and I surmise that, tough it might not have been running so deep, there’s a clear possibility that I’ve actually been depressed for several months, way before the breakup. And for the time being, that’s a piece of information I don’t know what to do with.