by the book

Months after the fact, it feels like I’m stalled.

It went much better than it was. A few months ago, I quit antidepressants and it wasn’t even a question: I did not need them any more. On a day-to-day basis, I’m fully functional: I take care of myself, I’m having interactions with my roommate, I even workout.

But having fun with friends and colleagues is not enough to hide the fact that my life goes nowhere: I had great plans about all those things I was going to do, once I’d be back in Brussels. I did exactly nothing. Health care is limited to the basic and urgent, I did not go out to meet fellow aspies, nor did I for musical purposes. I stay at home.

I’m strangely compartmented: I’m not sad, I’m having fun. I’ve got self-worth and self confidence. And yet, not only my life is empty, but I feel it’s going to stay that way. I don’t feel like my life has any meaning or purpose. I don’t feel like anything nice is waiting for me behind the corner: I feel no hope or anticipation: my life is empty now, and I expect it to stay that way.

I don’t deem impossible the idea that I’ll have a romantic interest one day. But I don’t believe  it’ll last. There’s one thing I’m now convinced of: I’m just not fit for a relationship.

I’m not dumb: I’m perfectly aware that this absolute feeling of emptiness, and a life that is neither happy nor sad, but dull, is by-the-book depression. But what can I do against it, when it isn’t a struggle at all? I know I’m a good person, I have to wish to harm myself. I’m just empty.

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