On helping others

This place is a bit silent, there are good reasons for it: it was created out of my need to formalize my thoughts, at a time I had no other outlet for that. Since I’ve been back from my vacations, I got on with sessions with my therapist and it’s been a wild ride that saw me progressing by strides.

It doesn’t mean that I’m alright, far from it, but seeing someone who is aware of what exactly high functioning autism is was long overdue. Even going back to important things I had understood during my last therapy, she is able to bring a new light and I find myself re-examining so many things in my life and my relationships that I end up with a storm in my head that needs to calm down before I can put anything on paper, or on screen, obviously.

That’s one of the reasons I don’t write a lot here, but don’t worry for me, it means I’m working a lot on my problems. Besides, I’m now heavily medicamented and it does me good too. I sleep better than I have in months, and I’m doing just about nothing. I should, because I’ve got a move to organise and a job to find, but I just don’t have enough will or energy right now. As my therapist put it: I’m resting. And that’s a nice feeling.

Still, there’s one huge idea that appeared during my second to latest session: I’ve got a need to help people to find themselves, it’s one of the very few things that make me feel valuable and bring me solace. And it has played a big role in the kind of relationships I gravitate to. But it doesn’t make for healthy ones. In itself, it’s nothing new: good friends started years ago that I should stop going for girlfriends I can be a Pygmalion to.

Strangely enough, it appears it’s not exactly the best idea ever. Whether it works or not: if it works, the “pupil” ends up outgrowing the relationship. If it doesn’t, there’s frustration on both sides. So how can I reconcile my need to help someone’s self-realisation with a healthy relationship?

A solution appeared through discussions with my therapist: I need to “externalize” that need, make it independent from my relationships. I need to find an outlet where I can help people and feel useful, but one that has nothing to do with my couples, so that those can be about something else.

And what it can be came through that same conversation: despite the fact that I’m currently in a very difficult situation, I’m kinda well adjusted to life, for an aspie. It’s not always the case, for us people on the spectrum, and it wasn’t always for me either, for I have learned my whole life, and if it gets better, I can certainly remember hardships during my teenage years.

Hence came the idea of group sessions with young aspies. And my therapist acted quick on the idea, as the first one is planned in ten days from now, and I’m VERY curious about how it’ll go. It won’t last long, sadly, as I’m about to leave, but it’s something I can try to do wherever place I’ll end up.

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